Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
