apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize