Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
