If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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