She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
vagina is talking i cant
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
