Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
