69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
