I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
