Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
