there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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