2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
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