"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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