After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
