its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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