What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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