He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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