I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
