When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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