that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
