Michael Bay diarrhea
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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