I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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