That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
