she looked like the before picture.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
