We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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