Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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