I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
