Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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