woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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