i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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