I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
