My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
