My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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