Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
