Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
