if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
