Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
