Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
