I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
