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I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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