Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
