So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
