saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
