He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
