He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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