well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
