If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Send help, water and tortillas.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
