I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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