I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
