why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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