Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
