between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
