Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm too high and old for this...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
