I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
