i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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