i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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