I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
