That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
