So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize