he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
