The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
