i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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